We're Not Worthy...

My shadow work question tonight is "What do you believe makes someone worthy of love, and do you apply this to yourself?" Let's work this out together, because I seem to be struggling with it.

For me, until recently, all someone had to do for me to "love" them, was pay attention to me. It hurts saying that. I'm not comfortable with it. It makes me sound so gullible and naive. But, maybe I was. I mean, in my romantic relationships I always stayed long after my logical brain had figured out that they were no good for me. I thought that I loved them. I thought that I needed them to make me whole. I thought that the sacrifice of my own desires, wants, needs, likes, and dislikes was what love was supposed to be. It even says in The Bible that love is sacrifice, I think. I always saw my mom sacrificing in her relationship with my dad. How was I to know that's not really how it was supposed to be? I didn't have someone showing me while I was growing up that I have a say in how my life goes, or the relationship goes. So, yeah...I was a sucker for stupid lines and cheeziness.

The predator and I met at work. I was a server. He was a cook. I had only been there for a week training on the other order window. So, my first time out not being shadowed I got put on his window. Each window was manned by a team. Two people. One on front and one on grill. So, I approached with my first order and I hung my ticket, The cook on front (whom I had never met before) says, "How big are your boobs?!?!" (I am ample in that way) and I was so shocked that this guy I'd never met before would ask me such a thing. I replied, "Big enough." and tried to go about my business, but he had more questions for me...and despite it being rude and a total turn off, I entertained his questions. He went on to ask me to join him and the rest of the staff at an after work gathering at a local establishment. I declined saying that I was going to go home and read (which completely baffled him, I might add). Then the predator returned from the kitchen to his grill station. The other cook told him I was new and I would be on their window for the shift. The predator stretched his hand out over the divider, looked into my eyes, smiled his charming (snake-like) smile, and said, "It's nice to meet you. I'm (enter name here)." We shook hands and I was hooked, right there. Because he was polite. When he asked me in the next breath to join him at the after work party, I quickly agreed. Making the cook that had previously extended the invitation to me storm off into the kitchen pissed off and complaining. The predator and I laughed about that story many times.

Looking back now, I no longer think it was funny. Not just because I know what kind of person the predator really is now. But because I now see that it could have just as easily been the cook on the front. Had he persisted or pressed, I know now that I would have caved and gone, even when I found him to be a rude and disgusting idiot. Because I would have taken that persistence to mean that he was genuinely attracted to me. I later found out that the cook on front already had a girlfriend. Which saddens me, because I know, too, that I would have set all of my morals and discomforts with that aside, had he shown me enough attention.

When it came to myself, I didn't ever really think I was worthy of love. No one ever showed me I was. I always thought I had to be prettier or more successful to be worthy. I had to have the right job or career, wear the right clothes or make up, lose weight. Then I would be worthy.

What I now know is that I was worthy all along. I interpreted the actions (or lack there of) to tell me whether I was worthy of love and I should have been looking inward to myself. I should have been looking at my own qualities and morals and values and just believing in myself. There are many great features of me...both physical and internal. They have always been there. But I didn't see them because I was putting too much weight on what other's were telling me I needed to be.

So, what makes someone worthy of love? Honestly, I don't know. I don't think I'm the right person to ask that question to.

As for myself? I don't care you love me or not. I love me .