When You Love A Monster

It has been requested by a very close friend of mine that, now that I have explained a little about BPD and what it’s like having it, I talk about what sort of help is actually helpful from those that are close to me. So, I am obliging her. She makes a good point. This is important information to have. And honestly, not enough of the people in my life care enough about what I’m going through to even consider trying to help me recognize when I’m displaying symptoms because I struggle with self awareness at times. So, the fact that even one person cared enough to ask for this information makes me think there may be more out there that also want to know.

I consulted with my own personal therapist on this matter in order to be able to give real, professional information. I think it’s important, though, to consider that there are 256 different ways that BPD can be displayed in people. Since everyone is different and each symptom can be displayed differently, and each individual situation is different, obviously, people are gonna react differently to anything anyone may try to do or say in order to help them. The bottom line is that you should use your best judgement when you see someone is displaying symptoms of any mental illness. While I feel this advice would work in most situations, it may not in all. 

Protect Yourself. It is important to put up consistent boundaries in order to express support without taking it on themselves. And, if you feel yourself becoming emotionally reactive, it’s ok to say, “I love you, but I think you need some time to cool off.” and then disengage from them. To this, I say, PLEASE take that step back if my big emotions that I cannot regulate are causing you to become upset in any way. I personally, NEVER want to be a “problem” or “burden” to anyone, especially those I love and have managed to maintain relationships with. Also, this is an excellent way to make me stop and think about the situation. Analyze my actions and words. Take my own emotional temperature. It allows me an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions that have upset you and process what I’m feeling, too. I will reiterate to you, not all BPD people will react well to this statement. Personally, I think it’s an amazing piece of advice though.

Don’t get into “fix it” mode. I agree with this emphatically. For multiple reasons. 1) This goes back to what’s mentioned above a bit. It’s not yours to take on. YOU are not responsible for fixing it. 2) You are not professionally trained and will most likely soon find yourself in over your head if you try. There are MANY professionals that won’t even take patients that have BPD because it can be so tricky to deal with. Also, there is a big likelihood that you could make the situation worse. And finally, 3) I am not broken. I am different and unique. And those differences may make me see things from a perspective that is not the “societal norm”, but that doesn’t make that perspective wrong necessarily. If you know me well enough to love me, then you know that I am not an evil or vindictive person. A little petty sometimes, yes. But I have a kind heart and good intentions. So, sometimes you just have to trust that.

Learn the triggers & understand what’s underneath them. This is a pretty big one also. Definitely start a conversation about what they know to be triggers for themselves and also simply pay attention. Triggers will reveal themselves and maybe you’ll see something they hadn’t yet noticed. By knowing what’s underneath it, you can then better understand how to help and how to avoid those triggers. I’ve said it before, and I will say it until the day I die, OPEN, FORTHCOMING COMPREHENSIVE COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO EVERY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL HAVE! This means, being honest with others and yourself, listening for understanding - not to respond, making sure that the person you're communicating with is really understanding all of the information that you are giving them, and not making someone pull information out of you. This becomes even more important when you are talking about sensitive topics like triggers and why they are there. 

Ask questions before assuming about behaviors and emotions. This goes along with the previous one. And it involves more of that open, forthcoming, comprehensive communication. People with BPD have a chameleon sort of way about them. They’re gonna present whatever they need to in order to avoid that rejection and abandonment. So ask, because what they are presenting may not be what they really feel. 

Consistency. It’s vital that your loved one feels safe with you. Safe enough to have those sometimes difficult conversations about triggers and what they’re really feeling. You get there by showing them consistency. If you are on the phone and something pulls you away and you have to end the conversation suddenly, but you tell them that you will call them back..and you do…every time, this shows them that you are NOT rejecting or abandoning them. And I will bet you that in a situation like this, that is how your loved one with BPD felt whether they realized it or not. Their brain probably told them that you were making up an excuse to get off of the phone because you don’t like talking to them…or don’t really like them at all. Show up for them. Every time. By being consistent, you’re building trust. By building trust, they will be more willing to take off their mask for you. Once they take off their mask for you, you can start to understand what lies beneath the triggers and understand their behaviors and emotions better. And then you will be able to truly help them.

Validate their feelings in the moment. As I explained in my previous post Naming The Monster, and as I mentioned above, people with BPD can have a chameleon-like personality. When hanging out with one group of people they may state that they think or feel one way about a topic, but while with another they may say they feel exactly the opposite on the same topic. This is not a lie. We are not selling false tales to anyone. We actually believe what we are telling you…in that moment. We also have a tendency toward black and white thinking. All good or all bad. And we have no problems playing jumprope with that line that divides the two. So, when your loved one comes to you and says, for example, “I think I’m in love with this man that I just started talking to and haven’t met in person yet and have only had superficial conversation with to this point.”, say “Wow! That’s really fantastic! Tell me about him!” By saying that, you are validating their feelings in the moment…and also making them stop and think about what they really know about the person. By making them say what they really know about the person out loud, they will be evaluating that information. And they, hopefully, will soon come to the realization that they, in fact, know nothing about the person…and may even find red flags, holes, or inconsistencies in what they do know. And they, hopefully, will also realize that they are not in love with this person they know nothing about and may not even be able to trust.

Before I go, I want to say, one more time, that this was the advice from my therapist who is actually licensed. I added my own perspective to each, but it’s just MY perspective. Not everyone will feel the same about the advice given. Not every person with BPD will react as I would. So, please use your best judgement. And as an added bonus, I will leave you with one more piece of advice. Your loved one with BPD, didn’t ask to have BPD. Please remember they are people. And if their disorder is frustrating you, imagine how they must be feeling about it.