The Puppet Master: An Introduction To My Mother

If you've been keeping up with my work, you will know that I have mentioned my mother in many of my other posts. I've talked about the ways that she raised me and how her own unhealed traumas played into that. I've also talked about how I have forgiven her for what she inadvertently did to me. But, I haven't really spoken much about how things have progressed with her. What she is like now; what my relationship with her is like now. I would like to make it clear to anyone reading this, I am in no way a doctor. Any guesses at a diagnosis for her should be taken as just that. A guess. I only have my experience and related research to fall back on. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, My Mother. (Names have been changed for anonymity).

When I first started my journey into shadow work along side my long standing therapy, one of the first steps I made was to apologize to my mother for my previous behaviors towards her, and also forgive her for her trespasses against me. I told her about the changes taking place with me and the enlightenment that I was now experiencing. She, for the first time in like ever, seemed intrigued and interested in what I was telling her. We ended out conversation with a promise to one another that we would be on the same team. She told me that she was going to do better and try harder to mend her ways. We had a deal. An agreement.

Her efforts lasted about 24-48 hours before I started seeing her old ways seeping back in to daily interactions and life. I, of all people, understand that old habits are hard to break and change is hard and all of that . I get it. So, I tried to talk to her again. Open, honest communication was the key to getting through this together...except, when I tried to talk to her about it, she refused to listen. She claimed I was just "bitching" at her and looking for an excuse to tell her how she was wrong again. That was decidedly NOT what I was doing and I knew that. I was being very careful with my tone and my verbiage so that it didn't sound like that. But, she wouldn't hear me out.

It dawned on me shortly after that I may not be able to keep my mother in my life after I finally achieve my goal of moving the fuck out of this house. I may have to take the same route that my brother wound up taking...he only comes to take her to lunch for her birthday, and calls on Mother's Day...talking for no more than 15 minutes before they get "disconnected" or some emergency arrises on his end that he must let her go and tend to.

He tired of her powers of manipulation and control by the time he was 16. That was the first time he ever tried to stand up to her. She quickly pushed him back under her thumb. He found a way out through joining the Navy when he was 21-ish. He stayed in contact with us for the first few years. Then, he met his current wife while he was stationed in Great Lakes. The visits and calls that he usually make to us slowed, understandably. 

When he finally brought her home to meet us, we were a little shocked to discover that she was closer to Mom’s age than his own. Mom, being who she is, put on her mask and tried to woo this newcomer into the fold…tried to wield her powers of control and manipulation that she had used for so many years, so easily, on her own children…and even her new husband who was there with us as well.

The newcomer didn’t succumb. Mom grew frustrated…and started doing another thing she does frequently…walking away and talking shit about the person she’s walking away from…just loudly enough so that they can hear she’s speaking…but not fully know what she’s saying. The newcomer called her on her shit. Out loud and in front of everyone. Mom didn’t know how to handle that situation. She stuttered and stammered a bit…but eventually fell into her old friends denial and lie.

When my brother and the newcomer were left, there was tension in air. Mom did not like being embarrassed in front of her kids and new husband. So, she began doing what she does EVERY TIME, she leaves someone in her wake…she began talking shit about the newcomer. She talked about every reason in the book to dislike this woman, except for the real reason…which was that she didn’t fall prey to her manipulations and she stood her ground. 

The rift between my brother and my mom grew and grew and grew over the years because of my mother’s tactics to try to exclude the woman who, by this point, was his wife. She undermined her to my brother. She talked SO much shit about her to my brother. She REFUSED to accept her at all…including my brother’s step-children…and then his grandchildren later. She would “forget” to invite them to family occasions. She would ignore their birthdays and celebrations. Essentially, she just pretended they didn’t exist at all. Which hurt my brother, obviously, because he had accepted his wife’s children as his own and he was elated when he became a “pawpaw”. My brother is kind of a giant, man-child mentally speaking, so he gets along well with young kids. But, did our mom congratulate him? Did she send him a gift or card of some sort? Nope. The moment she found out that his step-daughter had a child, she called ME to talk shit about the step-daughter…which eventually, of course, lead to her talking shit about my brother’s wife because, “she did such a bad job raising that girl if she’s already having babies!”

 Eventually, five grandkids deep, my brother, who had always been deeply upset by the fact that Mom ignored his kids and grandkids, while spoiling MY kids…just gave up and told her “No more”. And I don’t blame him in the least honestly. She tried to drive a wedge between him and his new family every chance she got, all the while, blaming his wife and trying to say the animosity between them was her fault. So, he just stopped communicating with Mom. He dove into his new family life and his roles as a parent and grandparent and husband. 

I don't know if my brother went through any grief or pain in this decision to cut her off the way he did. Anytime I ever spoke to him about it, he just became very serious and stiff, as though he thought that I might try to change his mind or something.

As for my relationship with her, she doesn’t take me seriously. She doesn’t believe in me. She doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t believe that I’m capable of doing hard things or finishing what I start or anything notable. She has proven this to me with her actions. Repeatedly. With all of the changes I am making in my life right now, it makes me hyper-aware of the ways that she is dismissing me and undermining my abilities. So, I see it. Daily. In everything. 

It hurts. She’s my MOM. And I love her. She is the person that raised me. She is the person that is supposed to, without a doubt, have my back and encourage me to fly and be free and step outside my comfort zone and do the uncomfortable thing for the sake of my own well being. She is the person that should be on my side and in my cheering section permanently and forever and the loudest. Always. No matter how many times I fall down. No matter how many mistakes I make. No matter what. That is just what mom’s do. Period.

And while, my mother offers fantastic lip service, telling me that she’s proud of me and that she loves me and that she does in fact believe in me…ALL of our interactions SHOW differently. And, just so you know I’m not being paranoid or anything, I will add…it’s all in pretty typical and obvious and cliche ways. Like, when I am trying to talk to her and tell her about…anything really, that doesn’t directly affect her in some way…she walks away from me while I’m talking. Or she will interrupt me by starting an entirely new topic. It’s rude. Not only that though. I mean, I can’t think of any more clear ways to say, “I am simply not interested in what you are telling me and I want you to stop.” without actually coming out and saying those words. Can you? I mean, it just screams ‘I don’t care.’ It reeks of ‘you aren’t important to me’. Those statements are NOT supposed to come from your mother. Especially, when all you are doing, is trying to include her in your life and tell her what’s going on with you. So, yes. it’s painful. It makes it incredibly hard to believe it when she tells you she loves you in the next breath. 

Add to this the lies. All lies. All the time. About everything. Big or small. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! From “Oh, I didn’t say that” when you have physical proof that she did in fact say that, to “It wasn’t me.” when you just WATCHED her do it, to just completely making shit up and saying something happened that didn’t happen. She gaslights people like she works for the fucking energy company. And when you show her said proof…or tell her you just saw her do it…SHE MAINTAINS THE LIE!!! She doesn’t even try to fein misunderstanding or “oh, I didn’t realize I did that.” Nope. It’s “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I didn’t do it.”. It’s shocking, really, the attempts that she makes to escape responsibility for her actions. The way she evades the possibility of literally anyone seeing her as less than beyond flawless perfection. The lengths that she will stoop to in the moments of confrontation. She has thrown her own children and grandchildren under the bus before, all for the sake of saving face. It is revolting and disgusting and it turns my stomach and boggles my brain as to HOW she could really damage the character or reputation of people she SAYS she loves – people that she is SUPPOSED to be loyal to…just so some insignificant person might believe that she is perfect. 

In fact, she takes it beyond that. She doesn’t just want to seem perfect to others. She wants to be seen as a victim to others. She wants to be seen as prey to the harsh world that surrounds her. She uses her age, her ailments, her children, her grandchildren…whatever she can so that others will see her as fragile, innocent, and helpless. All so that they will give her sympathy. Attention. Money. Assistance of any kind, in any way. I think because she thinks if she can persuade them to help her, then she knows that she can manipulate them further in the future. She can control them. Like a puppet master.

Earlier in the week, I called a debt relief company to get some help with my bills. They suggested a program where they basically have attorneys tell all of my creditors that I am in hardship and I’m defaulting on my accounts and then work out a smaller amount that they will settle for so that it doesn’t say on my credit report that I defaulted on my creditors. My mother had previously gotten involved with a different company to try to do the same thing. I will not be mentioning any company names. It did not work out well for my mother.

So, while I am on the phone speaking to the agent about MY debt and MY situation to see what they can do for ME, she comes into my room (uninvited) and begins yelling at this agent (I had him on speakerphone so I could write information down that he was telling me) about HER situation and how SHE got screwed over by this other company and telling him that they had her so worked up and worried by not fulfilling their agreement after she had given them money, etc. that she had 4 mini strokes because of it. Not just one mini stroke. FOUR. Took this agent completely for a loop. He of course is in the business of product sales and customer service. He was very good at his job, by the way. He was so upset and worried and concerned for her. She had COMPLETELY hijacked MY phone call where I was trying to be proactive and handle MY debt responsibly though. He was 100% taken in by her story.

Thankfully, she had an appointment and had to leave, which allowed me to regain control of the conversation and get the help that I needed for MY situation. Well, there was a wait for contract approval. And he didn’t know how long the wait would be. I had a phone interview that morning as well that was coming up. So, he said he would call me back at a certain time later after my interview and when he had the information as to whether my contract was accepted or not. 

As promised, he called me back. Only instead of starting the conversation off with whether or not my contract was accepted, he started the conversation off by telling me that he had gone to his boss, his bosses boss, and so on…all the way up to the CEO of his company to tell them my mother’s tale of woe. He told me they were in shock and disbelief that the company she dealt with would do such a thing at all, let alone to a poor, old woman. Completely disgusted. How dare they take her money and then do nothing and send her into FOUR STROKES!!! 

It was at that point that I stopped him. “Ok. There’s something you need to know about my mother. First off, she did NOT have ANY strokes of ANY size. If she had, I would have been the first to know because she would have milked that shit for every drop she could get from me. Secondly, my mom is NOT a patient woman. Especially when it comes to her money. I know for a FACT, that she did NOT wait the 4-6 months that it takes for a third party to be able to do what you guys are doing. I know for a FACT, that she did NOT follow the advice of the company that she worked with and change her phone number to theirs with all of her creditors. I know for a FACT that she spoke to her credit card companies on multiple occasions after she struck her deal with the debt relief company, contrary to their legal advice, and she did NOT tell them what she was supposed to tell them. And I also know for a FACT that she does indeed have OCD and anxiety. One of the places that her OCD is most prevalent, is with her finances. She sits in there on her Quicken program and plays around with forecasts and reports and works herself into a panic about it. Then she comes into my room and says things like, “If we don’t find a way to get an additional $3,000 by the end of the month we’re gonna be homeless in 3 months.” She said that 7 months ago. We did NOT find an additional $3,000. You see? It’s panic and obsession and doom and gloom with her. It’s always the worst case scenario. And she uses it to guilt trip me and my son for living here. Please tell your bosses, that I sincerely apologize for any concern that her story may have caused them. And I apologize to you as well, for the interruption, as well as for the grandiose story that she claimed happened to her. It did not go down that way. I swear it didn’t. I don’t know why she lied about the strokes and all, but it’s a thing she does.”

Silence on the line. 

“You mean, that wasn’t true? She didn’t have any strokes? The company she used didn’t swindle her and then not deliver on their promises?” 

“Correct. She made up the strokes. The stuff about the company was a twisted manipulation of what actually happened. The reason that it didn’t work out with the company she used, whose terms were very similar to yours, was because she stayed in contact with her creditors and she let them scare her into continuing to make payments instead of settling. She didn’t follow the guidelines and she didn’t have the patience to wait through the mandatory waiting period so that they COULD fulfill their end of the agreement. She freaked out and ended the contract with the debt relief company/law firm, and demanded the money back that she had saved with them for debt settlements. And then she got even more upset with them, because it took them 3 weeks to cancel the contract, close out the account, and process all of the paperwork in order for them to cut her check and mail it to her. It didn’t work out with them because of her. Not because of them.”

Silence again. Then, “Wow! That’s…like…what the…” He was literally at a loss for words. He had fallen hook, line, and sinker into her performance. He had been ready to call out the dogs and seek retribution in her name and in the name of justice against this other company for doing such terrible things to this poor, old lady in Iowa who was just trying to survive on a limited income.

She has no depth that she will not stoop to. None. 

This type of shit is why I know that she isn’t actively trying to change her ways at all or do better. This is how I know it’s a bold faced lie when she says, “I’m working on it with my therapist.” Because what she told that agent, was deliberate. It was manufactured deliberately to gain sympathy; to see what she could get in return from this company. Had I not intervened, she would have gotten it. The man was nearly in tears over her story at one point. 

And it sickens me that she is so good at her manipulation. It twists my stomach that she has been doing this for so long, that she now acts with zero hesitation or conscience over what she’s doing regardless of whom she’s doing it to. This is just one recent example of this behavior of hers. There are countless other times that she has done the same or similar things to other people. People who were her friends and even her own children.

As soon as I can possibly make it happen, I am out of here and she will be severely restricted in communication with me. Because I’m done trying to gain her approval of my actions and life. I don’t need her to like me. And I don’t think I WANT her to love me given the way she’s treated me my whole life, all the while stating that she does, in fact, love me. I know that what she does, isn’t love. It’s not coming from her heart. It’s coming from her hurt. It’s coming from her own unhealed trauma and pain. But my knowing that, and being able to forgive her for doing what she’s done to me, doesn’t excuse what she’s done to me…or the fact that she KEEPS doing it. 

And THAT, my friends, is the clincher. Right there. SHE KEEPS DOING IT. Intentionally and deliberately. She’s more than been made aware of the ways she has messed my brother and myself up, of her errors, of the traumas that she has caused us…yet, even when given an opportunity at one of her children’s forgiveness, she refuses to correct herself or do better. Because in order for her to do better, she would then have to accept responsibility for what she had already done. She would have to admit and understand that she had been wrong. She would have to actively put in an effort to SHOW her that acceptance and understanding of her wrongs. That would involve her dropping the mask. Being honest with herself and her child and other people around her. Giving a sincere apology and actively learning and applying ways to improve. It would mean seeing her children as individuals and adults, rather than her property and babies. It would mean giving them respect, and loosening her grip on them.

It would mean giving up control.