I Forgive You

Dear Bree -

I remember when you were little. All you wanted was someone to play with and pay attention to you. It really didn't matter who it was; Mom, Dad, brother 1,2,or 3, some rando kid that you didn't even know their name. When you were little, it wasn't really a big deal.

As you started to get older and hit adolescence it became a bit more of a problem. That voice inside you just screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME! PLEASE TELL ME I'M IMPORTANT!". As is usual, your attentions started turning more on guys at this point in your life. This cry inside you...this inability to feel your own self-worth...this feeling of emptiness...it pushed you to accept anything offered to you regardless of whether you wanted it or not. When C rolled his bike up to your front door in 6th grade, he was dirty from head to toe. Literally covered in dirt. His hair wasn't combed. His clothes were all torn up. You were not interested in him. Was he cute? Eh, kind of. But, his personality kind of killed it. He was always mean. But, despite all of this, when he asked if you wanted to be his girlfriend, you said yes. Why? Because he was a boy and he was paying attention to you. Right? Somehow, in your brain you put it together that "If a boy pays attention to you, you're pretty. You are worthy."

It only got worse as time went on and you reached high school. Bree, he was in jail. He was literally a criminal 6 years your senior that was in fucking jail for trying to start another person's house on fire with a bunch of minors. Which, wtf is HIS problem that he can't make friends his own gd age? THAT should have been your first question. You were with him for 3 fucking years and watched as he groomed all of his "friends" ...the girls that were even younger than you...10th graders...9th graders. He was 23. Yet you stayed with him. You gave him your virginity. You lived with him. You lost your father over him. You let him come into your household and destroy you and your family. You ignored the warnings given by others. Why? Because he "loves" you. But he didn't. And you knew it. And you stayed. And when it inevitably ended with him in the arms of another girl...a girl younger than you...a girl younger than 20...you actually cried as you ran off to the safety and security of your mother's home. A home she was building with her new relationship. And you barged in and dropped your issues at her feet and expected to be catered to and treated special because that's what Mom always did...

Except...why did you never feel loved when you were little either? Why did you always feel so empty and alone? Why were you always having to beg and plead with people in your home to play with you? What actually started these feelings of worthlessness? This crazy need for attention that drove you to accept any bullshit that was offered to you?

Oh, look...Mom and Dad...always fighting...always busy doing "grown-up" stuff like paying bills and cooking dinner. Always too tired to play. Hmmm...that's interesting.

After the pedophile arsonist, was the commitment-phobe genius with an ego the size of Texas. That one...seemed to have some potential actually. I mean, as long as you laughed at his cruel jokes and didn't bitch and moan about the fact that he wasn't around 90% of the time, it was actually nice with him...wasn't it? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...but that really wasn't the case, was it? He wasn't there enough to give you the attention that your greedy soul desired. And because of that, and with the encouragement of some "friends" you were living with, you decided to go with "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with". You cheated on him repeatedly. REPEATEDLY! That alone should have told you that you were not happy with him. That alone should have told you that you needed to let him go and leave that relationship. You crossed boundaries with 4 different men that were not him during your relationship. And you were only with him for 4-ish years. The last one, being the "next" one. The one you finally left your distant genius over.

And on to the predator. The abusive, alcoholic, wounded, angry, control freak, bully predator. The one you knew very early on would do nothing but hurt you and disappoint you and let you down and break your heart. You stayed with him anyway. You made excuses for him. You let him drive a wedge between you and your family. You lived with him. You married him. You had children with him. You stayed after he hit you. You stayed after he disrespected you. You stayed after he raped you. Every time. You stayed. You let him manipulate you and gaslight you. You let him make you believe that YOU were the problem. "He wouldn't cheat on me if I were prettier." "It's my fault that he hit me. I shouldn't walk away while he's trying to talk to me." "He deserves to get drunk. He's had a hard week." You let him break you. And you CLUNG to him, made excuses for him, and fought for him for 22 years.

And after it was FINALLY over with him, you came to your mother's once again. You brought your baggage from the last two decades, and you dropped it at her feet again. Expecting special treatment because "look what happened to me. Look what he did to me." And when Mom tried to help, you villainized her. "How dare she overstep her boundaries". You behaved like a victim. You behaved like a spoiled, entitled brat.

You behaved exactly the way she had taught you to behave in these situations.

This is why I forgive you. You were doing what you were told/taught. With all of it. You watched for years while your mother begged and pleaded for attention from your absent father. You listened intently while she complained about what a low-life he was. And you watched her stay. You watched her stay because she wouldn't be able to afford being alone with two kids. You watched her stay because she didn't want to be alone. You watched her stay because your mother's biggest fear was facing herself and dealing with her own unhealed trauma and flaws.

So, yes, Bree...I forgive you for everything you put us through. Because I know it's not gonna happen again. It's over now. Now that we have seen this, we know what we must do to fix it. You aren't gonna let your trauma stay unhealed as she did. You aren't going to let it hold you down. You aren't going to use it as a crutch or an excuse anymore.

You are getting back up. You are putting on your armor. And you are facing YOUR biggest fear.

Yourself.