My New Rules

I was thinking about love today. What is it? What does it mean to love? How do you know if you've found it? I decided that it is a word that gets thrown around too much. "I love that song!" "I'm so in love with your outfit!" . I even do it. Frequently. Being that it's such a popular and common catch phrase now, how do we know when someone really means it? How do we know when WE mean it? And my favorite and probably biggest question...WHY is it so fucking hard?!?

Let's start with what is it. I think it's pretty easy to answer. Love is a feeling. An emotion. It only becomes tricky when we discover that people feel love differently. Some people feel love as an all encompassing feeling all over. Some it sneaks up on and slowly builds bit by bit until one day, there they stand in love and they don't even know how they got there. Some of us don't even really know how to feel it because maybe it was never demonstrated or given.

What does it mean to love? I can only speak for myself here. First though, I need to say, everyone shows love differently. There are MANY ways to love. It all depends on people and situations and customs , etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But, as I said, speaking for myself is all I can do. So, what does it mean? Well, when I love it means I am your ally. I will be loyal to you by the truest meaning of the word loyal. I will have your back always no matter what. I will tell you the hard shit that no one else has the courage to say to you. I will defend you whether you are in the room or not. My primary goal with all of those that I love...or have loved...is their prosperity, safety, and health. That is the bottom line for me with my loved ones. For example, if I love you and you get your dream job offer, but that means that you have to leave me behind, I will still support you if you take it and I would even help you pack and move and all of that other stuff to go along with it. Even if it means losing you. Because you don't hold someone you love back. It means that if you are suffering in some unthinkable way, and you tell me "I can't do it anymore. Pull the plug." I would do it for you. Because I will not watch my loved ones suffer without at the very least offering assistance to them. It means that I would NEVER intentionally cause you pain physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, I will be honest with you. If you are being an annoying twat, I will say, "You are being an annoying twat. What's going on?" And, what's more, I expect to be loved back with the same amount of loyalty. I don't think that's too much to ask.

How do you know if you've found it? Well, when you find a concrete answer to this one, you'll have to let me know. As far as romantic love is concerned, I don't know if I have ever actually found it. I mean, I thought I had at the time...and that's why I told myself I was staying in so many of the bad situations I was in. But, if you've read any of my other posts, you know that I have since discovered that wasn't true. I didn't love them. My children? I absolutely love them. My friends? Well, I don't have many, but yes. The ones I have are valuable to me and I love them dearly. My parents and siblings? Yes. I love them, too. But romantic partners? I have only experienced an anxious attachment towards them. Wanting or needing them to be the solution to my emptiness, my loneliness, to validate me externally somehow. I have gone through the motions with what I describe above as how I love to the best of my abilities. Not involving police in situations that they should definitely have been involved in, allowing them to behave in ways that were disrespectful or inappropriate...the list is long. But I digress. The fact is, I am 48 1/2 years old and I have never really and truly been in romantic love with anyone. And what's more, I have no idea whether or not it is in my future to be. Currently, I am in no position to be trying to carry on a romantic relationship. I have too much else going on in my own life. It would be irresponsible and unfair for me to invite others into this tragedy that is my life right now. I do have a couple of gents that are interested in being in my mess with me...but I will continue to hold them at bay until I know a few things for certain. I may never follow up on either.

"What things?" you may ask. Well, since I've begun this leg of my life's journey, I've begun putting together a list of rules for myself. It is to help guarantee that I don't fall into the pitfalls of the past, as those old ways did me no favors. I cannot continue to ignore the red flags and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Rule #1: No rushing. Love takes time. It does not work on your schedule. Patience (not one of my virtues) is a must.

Rule #2: No forcing. If it's right, it's right. If it isn't, it isn't. You cannot make yourself fall in love with someone that you don't even like. And you can't make someone fall in love with you either. It's either gonna click or it's not. I'm not saying that SOME compromises won't have to be made...but NEVER on the big issues. Is he loyal? Is he respectful in all ways? Does he support you emotionally by checking in with you and asking about your day and how you're feeling? Does he openly and honestly communicate with you? Or does he leave parts out that you find out later? Do you have to pull the information out of him like some sort of inquisition or interview? Is he really a good person? How does he treat the staff at the restaurant he took you to? How does he talk about his family and friends? Would you be alright with him talking about you that way? Is he genuine? Can he back up what he tells you at all? Which brings me to...

Rule #3: He MUST be welcoming you into his life. This is how you will know his true feelings for you. Is he introducing you to people that are important to him willingly? Is he sharing HIS life with YOU by telling you about his day and things he did or people he interacted with? Is he showing you off or does it seem like he's hiding you?

Rule #4: No alcoholics or drug addicts. Seems silly to have to make this a rule, but given my history, here it is. This doesn't mean he can't ever drink at all...or even smoke a little weed once in a while...BUT, the guy that drinks TO get drunk...the guy that MUST have a drink...the guy that makes YOU feel like you're being a downer when you ask how many he's had or suggest he hand over his keys...the guy that has no medical excuse, but MUST get high on a regular basis with weed or God forbid anything else...that guy is self-medicating and there's a bomb inside of him that is gonna blow YOU to bits if you go down that road. So don't do it.

And finally, Rule #5: Figure out how he REALLY makes you feel. Beyond the initial excitement of potential partnership. Are you with him because you WANT to be? Or are you with him because he's offering and you have nothing better to do at the moment? It is important to remember that JUST because he is interested in you, does NOT mean you have to be interested back. Regardless of how many other boxes he checks or rules he adheres to. (I know this one is similar to Rule #2, but it's worth mentioning twice).

So, if I ever do find myself in a position to have a romantic partner again, these are my rules...which, yes, I understand, makes it that much less likely that I will actually find someone. But I'm not doing it again with the wrong guy. I'm not settling anymore. If I can't have what I want, then I will have cats, I guess. Honestly, I don't know what I ever did in my past lives to deserve to lead a life with no real romantic love...but if that's what it is, then I will accept my fate.

Before I end this conversation, I'd like to know...How do YOU love? What's your take on why love is so complicated and difficult? How did you know when you found love? What was the definitive action or feeling or sign for you?

I look forward to your answers.